2002-03-16

Last night on the way to pick up sushi, I saw a man masturbating in a window, trying to lure passers-by into his apartment for sex. Guess since it was so cold out he was trying to "order in." My boyfriend and I may be monogamous, but I still remember how it's done.

I'm sick at home this weekend. Just sick enough that I feel drippy and sticky back in my throat and really shouldn't be kissing anyone. I would like to be snuggling up to the Boyfriend but it's probably in his own best interests to not have me infecting him. It's not like we don't both have really demanding weeks ahead of us, and behind us. I know it's only been a week, but somehow it seems like a long time since I've seen him last.

And I mean that in an innocent way, mostly. Sure, lately I've probably spent way too much time downloading pornography from the Internet when I could have been writing. Or doing any number of chores. Or doing much of anything, some days. If I'm looking for a sign that something's amiss, the best one is surfing for porn at work, the worst bad internet habit.

I don't surf as much from work lately. I certainly haven't been writing much at work (though that's probably just a symptom of a larger lack of written expression.) The Boyfriend made some comments that made sense about my goal at leaving work earlier and surfing at home instead of at work. It's hard to train myself to think that way, though. For years now my Internet reality and real-life have been intermeshed (in somewhat tragically cliche´d ways.) And as my bitten fingernails can tell you, long-standing habits can be the hardest to break.

Like looking for men standing in their windows.

But by necessity, I've been doing less non-work activity at work. Our little group has a couple large projects going on, making it tricky to do anything extracurricular. I don't want to write too much about work, both from the ever-present fear of the negative consequences but also because I can't imagine it's especially compelling reading for others. But I've definitely been feeling like a cog in the corporate machine lately—I know, nobody ever said that work was always (if ever) going to be soul-fulfilling. It's just a feeling that will pass one way or another, but I still hate feeling stuck in a rut.

No, don't bother looking in my browser history; I've already deleted it.

I really need to plan a vacation soon. I never made it to SXSW like I'd thought. Given the timing of this project at work, perhaps that's a good thing. The trip to Spain? Well, suddenly it was February and we'd made no movement towards planning anything. We'll miss the Boyfriend's relatives by the time we get there, so we've kind of missed the excuse we had for leaving. No, I'm not gun-shy about it or anything, six months after I 'caused' the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon by planning a vacation we were originally supposed to leave. Can we talk about something else, though?

I actually got to meet a few more journal-writers and bloggers recently. I had a good time even though every time I was nervous as hell. It's sad how anxious I get. Before we went out for drinks with a group of people I didn't know very well, I was ready to go way too early, which is a sure sign that I was nervous beforehand. One of my goals this year has been to get out and meet more local writers. Obviously I need a little more practice.

I was thinking about closing this diary, since my updates have been monthly at best—truly stretching the "daily" meaning of the word. I've decided not to, if for no other reason than I like having the mental separation of Weblog material and Diary material.

I went to see Laurie Anderson twice this past weekend, once with the Roommate and once with the Boyfriend. Several things she discussed in the show were definitely about using your own life as material in your art; not surprisingly this struck a cord for me. Eventually you tell all your best stories, or at least everything that you can say in front of other people.

But I haven't told all the stories that I need to tell yet. There are a good number yet to happen, if I can help it. This isn't one of them, but they're out there, I swear. And even if they end up being pornographic stories, you can be sure they won't appear in windows—either variety.

2003-03-29 - Moving Notice
2002-06-04 - Accordians and Ambassadors (Diary Fragment)
2002-05-24 - Manias (Diary Fragment)
2002-05-09 - See this little island here?
2002-04-24 - Bored and Drippy.