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2001-10-01 This morning I got to re-live the events of the past three weeks, this time solely through email messages from Corporate, or a change in spam titles from "Have too much debt?" to "Get your American Flag Here." The mailing lists I'm on at work thankfully had a minimum of political/terrorist-related messages. Excavating upwards, a week after the attack, I see that email about layoffs resumed. Those are notable more for what is unsaid than anything in them. There's the obligatory pep-talk email since the Internet sector has been badly hurt�even moreso than before�in the stock market lately. There's the link to a "farewell message" page someone set up. There's that meeting rescheduled. There's the project I thought I'd finished, back to bite me in the butt. I'm back at work, and I'm trying to feel good about this. It's damn difficult. Several people at work expressed surprise that the Boyfriend and I didn't try to move the trip later in the week, or that I didn't come back to work to save my vacation time. When I talk about it I emphasize the word "Reschedule." We rescheduled the trip; we've postponed it for the spring. I feel like I have to keep saying it like a mantra, for fear of it never happening if I stop. I still have lots of saved vacation time, and I wanted the time off for the sake of my sanity. Of course, whether I was regaining or losing more of my sanity over the past weeks is a separate issue entirely. Everything here at work is exactly as it was when I left, yet absolutely, fundamentally different at the same time. Our group has been reorganized and I'm struggling to understand the scope of the changes. I'm greatly saddened that some people that I really liked�one friend in particular with whom I greatly enjoyed working�were laid off. My immediate supervisor has changed, and I no longer manage other people. Now, I don't really mind having fewer responsibilities; it doesn't mean my workload is changing nor that my work is less valued. Nonetheless being moved to a "low-hanging fruit" position in the org chart is not comforting in this economy, regardless of the fact that this round of layoffs is over. This round. At the end of this week we'll be moving into our new building, close to the Mutual Friend's office. She and I will have to go to lunch together when we can. We're in the first group to move; I've joked that we're the canaries, going in first to see if there are poisonous gasses in the workplace before the executive staff moves in. And no, moving is never fun; I'm still trying to figure out where my floor lamp can go at home since it's verboten in the new building. But psychologically, it will be good to leave this place physically behind and start new. So my goal now is to make this as normal a workplace as possible. Come in at nine, leave at six. (No snickering, back there; don't think I didn't hear that.) I am not my job; this is what I do to make money to live. Suddenly I find I have another Mantra. In three weeks I didn't figure out what else I wanted to be besides an Art Director, and someone's friend, or boyfriend, or family. Not that I tried very hard, but on some level I might have expected to magically divine the answer in that free time. Maybe I did get an answer and I just have to figure out what it is. I managed to get some stuff accomplished in the last couple days of last week, but certainly not the long list of things I'd hoped. I found I need to get my car fixed to pass its smog check, and I finally told my parents that I was discussing selling it. I'm not decided on that one, still. I did a lot of shopping, clothes and computer stuff. I looked at cell phones. I didn't get one. I still don't trust the things. OK, I know I played too many video games this weekend. Once we determined that we Most of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday I spent playing Alice, a new purchase. I'm very pleased with the game, obviously. I got pretty far, too, given that I'm out of practice playing first-person shooters. Last night once I finally got settled down enough to turn off the lights and go to sleep I found that I had "Alice Vision": I was seeing things as if I was looking over someone's shoulder, like in the game. I used to be big into games like Marathon (oh, that was back in the day!), Quake and Unreal. Now I find that I get nauseous and disoriented really quickly when I try to play them. I'm not totally sure the psychology behind the motion sickness, why I didn't used to get it and why I don't get it in Alice, but there it is. And I got a replacement Visor Deluxe�covered under the warranty, go figure�from Handspring in less than 36 hours from when I called them. I was expecting to have to pay $85 for repairs and thought it would take weeks. Had I known it would be that easy I would have called sooner. Now I can organize my life again and regain my sanity. (I heard that too. Don't make me come over there.)
2003-03-29 - Moving Notice |
