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2001-07-06 Is it catching or something? This mood of introspective self-assessment? That's one of the most interesting things about reading journals on the Web; watching other people go through similar cycles of introspection and activity or ennui or worry. After spending the morning laying on the bed in my bathrobe, debating between taking a shower or calling in sick to work, I walked to work with my MP3 player running. "Channel Z", the B-52's. "Frustration", Soft Cell. "Beats at the Office", Bis. My realization: I've spent a lot of time in my life defining what it is I don't want to be. The problem now is that I'm not sure what I want to be. OK, it's not very deep, but I have to start somewhere. And that's the problem: the old chestnut about a journey beginning with a single step? Which step should I start with? And I'm hoping that no one notices that I've got the end of "Frustration" stuck in the "jingle channel" of my brain ("I want to die! I want to die! die! die!") because they'll misunderstand. These days I'm only symbolically suicidal; it's been a very long time since I fantasized about the actual thing. Death? Not today thanks, I've got far too much to do. Fuck, that's the phone. Someone wants me to work today. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe some things have struck a cord in me lately. On Forth of July we saw the new San Francisco Mime Troupe Show, 1600 Transylvania Avenue, a musical comedy about the rights corporations have as living entities--basically, as people who cannot die. The show was very good, though hard to hear from our spot in the shade on the hill (and over the ridiculously loud egg-and-spoon race from some huge picnic next to us.) I donated money to them and bought a t-shirt with a big red star on it, like a good little socialist. And then we went to Macys to buy a wedding present. And no, that dichotomy was not lost on me. So maybe I can't fall asleep before three only because I can't relax at night. On the other hand, maybe I am actually tuning in to how unhappy I am working in the corporate system. I'm tired of designing for marketing and having it always feel like it's crap when its done. But that I don't feel like I can survive as a designer off the corporate teat; that I'm not a good enough designer, that there isn't enough work. Whine, whine, whine. Maybe I just need to get out this weekend and do some things. See the Dadafest. See a Silent movie. Get a new haircut. Something. Smirk. The Spanish Word of the Day for today is cambiar: to change.
2003-03-29 - Moving Notice |
