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2002-02-13 Valentine's day is tomorrow. I am in so much trouble. OK, not really. It's not like I forgot. But I don't yet have dinner reservations, and our most common answers for fancy vegetarian dinners out are way, way, way booked. Last year I managed to snag a cancelled reservation about this time, but I don't know if I can be that lucky two years in a row. Really, the pressure is nearly all if not entirely my own. We could go to that inexpensive sushi restaurant near his house which we go to all the time, and it would be fine with the Boyfriend. But you know how I love to obsess over the trappings of a holiday. So I'm not in trouble yet. I really am in trouble for not getting rid of my car yet. With the head gasket blown, it's not really worth that much in salvage. Tomorrow...(looking at the time)...today I need to call and arrange to have it picked up. I don't do anything except give them the title and pick a charity! They tow it away, deal with the DMV, give me a form for my taxes. But I'm still a little emotionally attached to the thing—like an idiot—so still I move it on Mondays and Tuesdays hoping I don't get a ticket, which since the registration has expired means it gets impounded by the City; consequently I also worry that the week or two it'll take for the process to be complete will cause problems with the DMV. The time for action came a long time ago, and I am late. Again. Which reminds me of work, somehow. I hate getting looks coated in razor blades from other people in the office when I waltz in at 9:45, but I've had too many things I've had to or wanted to do, work and otherwise, to get to bed early. Early, in this case, is defined as before 4. (RuPaul mentioned that his therapist thought this was an avoidance technique. I'll refrain from further public inquiry in my own case.) But things are stacking up and I just want to play my game, dang it! I have at least three email messages that I really ought to respond to soon; at least one of them has been sitting around all weekend. And the list of what I want (or need) to accomplish keeps stacking higher... Quarter to six. I shouldn't have any more coffee. But I've only had two and a half mugs today. I didn't even get my iced tea with lunch, since it wedged itself comically behind the glass in the dispenser, making a solid "tunk!" against the glass and not moving for any degree of shaking I put the machine through. Expecting the worst, I dropped another quarter and hit the button to release the soda right behind it. The machine clicked and the can of root beer behind the stuck one raced down—maybe a centimeter—doing absolutely nothing to dislodge the first can. I just went back to my desk. Further proof (as if I needed more) that gravity is not my friend. This is especially true with the less coffee I drink. I recently had my performance review, and one of the things that came up as a goal this year is to develop our group's design skills. I make no secret that I'm self-taught in design; I was a production person for years and while I can make highly functional things, or compelling advertisements, or not-unattractive pages, the stuff I design isn't groundbreaking. Most of the time that's enough. (This makes me not so egotistical, as designers go, but it doesn't make my ego any less fragile. I still cringe at the H-word; I guess I still have some issues.) So one of my stated goals is to find a class in design to take. The thought of this makes me anxious for no good reason, which must mean it's good for me. But my attitude is, "Right now? Don't I have enough to do right now?" But that argument never holds water: there's always too much to do if you expect to do everything imaginable or all at once. I'm excited to read about Huntington's law school progress or even Aaron's application frustrations. So why the anxiety? I think it brings up the spectre of the college degree I never finished; if I take a class I feel like I'm going to be compelled to attend school full time, suddenly. Irrational? Of course. Who, me? Planning more than I can handle all at once and feel overwhelmed by it and paralyzed into inaction? No, don't be silly; I'd never do that. I also realize that this is something three crappy bosses have tried to inspire me to do, but either because of their smug superiority, or arrogant callousness I didn't pay attention. Don't tell, but I think I like my bosses. The other thing I'm trying to do this year is to separate my personal work from my professional work a little better. Of course, I said something similar to this last year, but it's still true. It's fine that I'm surfing or writing on my lunch break, or blogging something silly during the day. And it's also fine that occasionally I have a lot to do, or pressing personal matters, that keep me at my desk (or more rarely, away from it.) But I've never balanced the two very well. I need to leave this place after 8 hours of work time, having actually accomplished the things I needed. Speaking of which, if I'm going out tonight at 7, I'd better finish these comps before I really do get into trouble.
2003-03-29 - Moving Notice |
